DEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP for the mind of a 17 year old.

As I was doing some "spring cleaning" aka procrastinating at my book shelf as I attempt to remove some to create space for the masses of others (unsuccessfully) I stumbled across a book of old poems and I found this little ditty:

BROKEN LOVE - (sounds intense)

You tell me you don't love me,
But how could this be true?
I don't think you understand
How much pain you've put me through.

You say that you're just changing,
Your feelings aren't as strong.
But how can you fall out of love with someone,
Who's never done you wrong?

Someone who still loves you,
So deep within their heart;
This heart that you have broken
And torn it right apart.

I know you'll never love me,
I cannot change the way you feel.
I can only remember the times
When I knew your love was real.

I must find the strength inside me,
Hidden so deep within.
To find out where you stop,
And where I must begin.

Now this was written after rather lengthy relationship - longest one to date in fact - But when I read this to myself, the first thought that comes to mind is "Wow, this must have been written by someone with poor writing ability who just got out of a hefty marriage." So it's quite funny to read it now and know that in the eyes of a 17 year old girl, this breakup was like the end of my world (as I knew it.)

To me it is a reminder of how much I have grown and accomplished over the years. The feelings exposed in this poem feel like lightyears away, but still so close to home. I often find my mind wandering back to this place of blissfulness and becoming caught up in that moment all over again - but then I am quickly drawn back to reality (or at least woken up by my alarm clock.)

Which reminds me. I have been having such absurd dreams lately. A lot of them I have all these materialistic things - Fancy house on the ocean, fancy car, jewelry that I don't wear. I am often throwing huge parties - for people whose faces I cannot really make out - only to find myself withdrawn and ignored, and not making any attempt whatsoever to socialize with ANYONE at my OWN party. A couple of times I eventually end up being attacked by a bear or alligator on my beach or roof ( I know...this is where it gets weird, I'll spare you the details) But even though there are hundreds of people around, no one comes to my aid. Could this be a sign that I am my own worst enemy? That I am the only one standing in my way of achieving what I want? When I wake up I always feel like I am subconciously reminding myself that it doesn't matter how much "stuff" I accumulate, I will never be happy until I am happy with ME. Ugh, I totally hate it when my dreams are right. Why can't it be all cupcakes and rainbows and clouds and flying and bliss instead of this hidden underlying meaning of life shit. I'm so over it.

And what's the deal with ALWAYS being chased by a bear (sometimes alligator) I'm tired of waking up to a heart beating a million miles a minute and having to remind myself that bears and animals cannot unlock doors and chase you into your house. So annoying.

In a funk...d

So I am sort of in a funky mixed up state of mind at this particular moment(s) in time. You see, sometimes I am bit creepy and look at other peoples photographs on facebook. Well lets call it borderline creepy, bcuz I know that is SORT OF what they are there for.

(Wow, I just realized I dropped the F Bomb... oopsies. I swore I would never do that.)

But when I look at said person(s) photos, I think to myself, my goodness it certainly looks like they are having a fantastic time wherever they are doing whatever it is they may be doing. And then I start crying, balling actually. But why? I mean, I have a great time doing the things I do where I end up doing them, but through my own eyes, it does not appear the same. If you were to take a picture of me doing something I may consider a good time, It would usually involve my dog, a GPS that doesn't function quite as it should, possibly a friend, and 99.9% of the time, I would not be in it. So maybe that is the problem? Is it that I don't get the opportunity to show everyone what an absolute blast I am having because I am behind the lens, or is it the fact that I spend a lot of my time off doing adult things that are considered a neccesity and not so much a fantastic out of this world experience? Or maybe it is the fact that quite a few of the pictures I have seen that I feel envious of are taken during a "night out on the town" a pracitce that is extremely rare to someone like myself who usually only goes to the bar once a year, on my birthday, which often results in myself going to bed an anticlimatic half hour before midnight.

Or maybe it is something deeper?

Most of the time I feel as though I am getting quite a bit out of life, ya know, lots of bang for my buck so to speak...but I am also often overwhelemed at how quickly time passes, and how many opportunities go unoticed as I rush through the routine of my so called life. There are so many endless possibilites I want to explore, but my body only allows me to be awake for a certain amount of time at a time before I start hallucinating. (which for some people, is a whole other level of fun, but I prefer to be at least somewhat in control of what I am seeing and doing at any given moment.)

I fear as though one day I am going to wake up, 80 years old and go WHAT THE HELL WAS ALL THAT ABOUT?