wanted - fat sucking machine

does anyone have a fat sucking machine that i can borrow to suck every inch of fat off of my body and put it towards something useful like a giant body pillow (no pun intended.) Because all I want to be is a skinny manipulative bitch so I can play with boys feelings and take all of their money and leave them nothing but an empty soul in return. So if anyone has one of these machines and is willing to lend it out (I dont have a whole lot of money at the moment, maybe we can do a trade off I have a time machine in pretty good working condition here) please let me know asap.

I am so furious I could scream. I think i will scream.